"It's just sex!" "What's wrong with a little fun?" "You only live once!" "You don't want to be that girl or guy that doesn't give their partner what they want. No one will ever want you if you don't put out!" I bet you have heard all of these statements at least once in your life. It could have been from a friend; a boyfriend or girlfriend; maybe even a family member hoping to share a bit of "sage" wisdom. They all mean well, you're sure, but is it really all that simple?
Sex and the soul is a topic that I don't think enough of us hear teaching about. It's a difficult subject! One side of it says, "I want to help others not make mistakes that will have lifetime consequences on their spiritual, emotional, and even physical health"; while the other side says, "By trying to help others, I will seem uptight, controlling, and flat out annoying." No wonder so many people shy from it! It is, however, one of the most important subjects we can ever speak of when we are seeking on protecting those most precious to us and help them to grow to maturity without unnecessary pain and baggage. Dear reader, I love and care about you so much, I never want you to experience unnecessary pain and distrust that comes with creating a soul tie that does not last; so here I am, ready to swandive into the pool of sex and the soul.
I don't need to explain the mechanics of sex to you (and if I do, you are not ready to even consider such things; please save yourself, read one of my other posts, and come back to this one when the time is right). I would consider sex to be the most passionate expression of connection and love humans have. It's like fire. It not only allows for physical pleasure, but it is truly a multidimensional experience that involves the body, soul, AND spirit. It is serious business and should be treated as such at all costs! If this encounter that so many throw away on a whim and treat with the delicacy of an eighteen-wheeler barreling into a Tiffany's store front encompasses so much of us, it's got to be more than just "casual fun", right?
The Soul Tie
Have you ever heard of a soul tie? You might say no, and that's okay! Let me use an illustration, not of my own, but one I really think paints a wonderful picture to show what a soul tie is and what it does. Say you have two leather belts and you glue them together at the ends. Those belts will fuse and become one long piece of leather; two distinct piece, but now functioning as one. Now, say you pulled those pieces apart. Go ahead, envision what that might look like. The pieces may have separated, but bits of leather from each belt would be stuck to the other. now, glue one of the ends to another belt. You might succeed, but the pieces will still be there; perhaps even making it difficult to get the two pieces to sit right with such a mess in the way.
This is what a soul tie would look like to us; and it happens without us even knowing it. It happens in long relationships. It happens in relationships with family and friends where you care for and love the other with all that you are... BUT, it also so easily happens with sex. It happens even in the one-night stands. It happens every single time, even when you say it means nothing to you. Were you just lying about how you felt? You said it meant nothing, so then if it does mean something, what happened? Let's look it over.
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 6:16, "And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, 'The two are united into one.'" (NLT) We probably need to break this down, because I am sure your eyes went straight to the word "prostitute" and you eliminated yourself fully from this conversation; however, the word prostitute might not mean what you think it means. The definition of prostitute is "put (oneself or one's talents) to an unworthy or corrupt use or purpose for the sake of personal or financial gain." This does NOT mean that it always has to be for money to be prostitution. The Greek root of the word means "to sell", meaning, you might sell your marriage bond for sex. You might sell your soul for affection. Money is a common used currency and not the only one, and ESPECIALLY not the only one Paul is speaking of in this verse. NONETHELESS, let's take the morality card off the table (since this verse speaks to the moral obligation of the soul tie and maybe you just aren't there yet and would like a more scientific perspective of the connection between sex and the soul.
Let's dig into what American Neuropsychiatrist, Dr Daniel Amen has to say on the subject. In his book entitled Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, he states, “Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. Limbic bonding is the reason casual sex doesn’t really work for most people on a whole mind and body level. Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level that they might not have decided on at all: sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not...One person, often the woman, is bound to form an attachment and will be hurt when a casual affair ends. One reason it is usually the woman who is hurt most is that the female limbic system is larger than the male’s.”
There you have it, ladies, we are not built for casual sex. It is not in our design. We aren't even built for more than one partner; though in some cases, this happens from no fault of our own and others begin solely due to our jumping into bed with everyone we have ever met or dated. It's a slippery slope. We bond to that person, whether we like it or not; and what happens if we have another soul tie already? Think about those leather belts, one will have to be exchanged for another. The original two will be damaged and one will be left alone without a tie and only scars and pain. What if this is your first soul time? Let's hope it lasts forever. If not, you will undoubtedly be stripped of the first tie at the same high cost and then you might be the one left alone and damaged. The seriousness of our souls is not to be used as a game.
How does this soul tie (or damaged caused by one) manifest in our lives? That's a good question! We can see it in a number of forms, including but not limited to:
An unhealthy dependency or want for the other person.
Obsessive thinking about the other person.
Unable to let go of the other person.
Unresolved anger toward the other person, even years after they have left or moved on.
It is clear this is a problem that can have lifelong adverse AND positive effects on our souls. So, what do we do if we have an unhealthy soul tie that we need to heal from? There are a few steps we can take:
Get real and confess it out – we need to get real with ourselves about our situation. Whether it was an accident or a purposeful act that was done with all the thought in the world, it does not matter. We want to identify where we have tied our souls to another and need to safely break that tie or have broken a tie and need to heal. Once you have identified your unhealthy, you need to confess it out and repent of it. This doesn't have to be ritualistic, just talk it out with God.
Renounce and get serious – Confessing and repenting are great first steps, but they can easily be just words if you don't take any further action. Now, you need to renounce the relationship and get serious about ending the tie. You aren't going back there again, it isn't good for you or the other person and you need to let it go.
Forgive – It's easy to put a lot of the blame on the other person... and maybe they even deserve it. They may have manipulated you. They may have hurt you when they left. They may not have felt the way you did and this hurt you even more when they didn't treat you as the temple we ALL are and deserve to be treated as; BUT, you. need. to. forgive. Release that person, let their soul be free. This will not only let them deal and heal, but will allow you to stop harboring the bad feelings you have toward them and will allow the process of reconciliation to move forward.
Throw it away – Once you have done this, you need to get rid of all physical objects (gifts, photo, etc.) that remind you of that person and that tie. "You can't be serious?" Oh, yes I am! It might seem like reminiscing to you, but it can hold you back from breaking the soul tie you have formed with them, causing you to even fall back into the same patterns years down the line. Box it up and throw it away!
Soul ties can be wonderful connections between two hearts bound for eternity together. They can be precious bonds between us and the ones we love. We are so lucky to have a loving God to tie our souls to to help us to know love and offer it out to those in our lives. Soul ties can also be a stumbling block to love and faith as we join ourselves to others that bring nothing but damage to our spirit, soul, and body. The best thing we can do is to guard our souls and take care to only give passage to those we know will last.